On growing up

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up fast. I put my mother's red lipstick, wore her black silletos, draped a faux fur shawl on myself and trotted around clumsily like a"lady". Every birthday was cherished. I was a step closer to womanhood. Every year, on that special day, I'd run to the mirror first thing in the morinig to see how much 'older' I looked. I did my best to imitate Veronica Lodge then because she was 'The Lady'. I even told my neighbour that "as a matter-of-fact" we would get married when we grew up. He almost choked while sucking his thumb.

And now I want to be a child again.
Sometimes I open my eyes in the morning and go, "Eeeks, I think I grew up too fast." Sometimes I walk past children on swings and wish I did that more often. Sometimes I step into a puddle and wish I could roll about in it without people thinking I need medical treatment. Sometimes I look at my face in the mirror and don't recoginise myself. I see little kids and feel weird that I'm not their height anymore. I feel dizzy when they call me 'aunty'. Surely, there IS more time left? Surely, I'm not that old yet? Surely, I can still be called one of the tiny tots?

Leave it to the aunts to dash such hopes.
"Such a pretty woman," they coo, "Can you knit?"
"No," I say, puzzled at the sudden change of topic.
"What? Not even one teeny-weeny bit? You MUST learn! Your babies will be born anytime now!"

However, hope still lies under all this chaos of growing up. No matter how much I may have changed physically, mentally I'm still a 2 year old. Thank god for that.

The swimmers

I had this dream where my mother and I are sitting near a river. There are two men in their late 20s laughing and swimming there. As I am watching them, my mother tells me, "This is a huge, huge river... So vast that it looks like the sea and you can't see the end of it. Many people go on a quest to find the end of the river and many think that they have found it..."
In the meantime, one of the swimmers sees what looks like the end of the river and exclaims to his buddy, "Oh look! There is the end!" Both swim eagerly towards the "end" of the river.
"But when they reach it, " continues my mother's voice, "They see that there are many, many more miles to complete."
At this point, the swimmers reach the "end" only to realise that the river still stretches miles ahead of them. Determined, they continue swimming.
"After a while, you think you have finally come to the end of the river..."
The two men finally come close to a point where they can't see any stretch of the river and start paddling faster.
"But beware! It's not really the river's end... Rather, it is where the river falls..."
The men are just about to reach the final spot when they realise that they are actually swimming toward a waterfall. They are shocked and start panicking.
"And when this happens, it's time to turn back and swim in the opposite direction."
After a lot of effort, the swimmers turn around and swim away, successfully saving themselves from falling down the stream.
My mother looks at me and smiles.

A random thought

today, for absolutely no reason, i made a mental note to find mr Kass. then make mr. kass fall for me (the easiest part). and then bear a child who we will call jack...